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Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.