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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.