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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”