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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?