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Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.