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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.