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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.