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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.