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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.