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If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.