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thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.