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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.