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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?