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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...