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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.