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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, Iām gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.