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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.