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My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.