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I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.