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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.