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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.