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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.