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According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
Being normal is boring.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.