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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.