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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.