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Keep calm and drink on.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I liked you better before we met.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks