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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?