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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.