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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation Iām having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.