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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.