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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!