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Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
he who laughs last thinks slow
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.