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In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.