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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.