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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.