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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.