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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.