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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.