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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Safe words are for quitters.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.