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Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."