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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.