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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.