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Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late