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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.