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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."