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It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.