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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.