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Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face