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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
Home is where the alcohol is.