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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .