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This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying