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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Do bees even have knees?
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.