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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
So... Where does one obtain minions?
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"