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You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.