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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.