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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?