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I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.