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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.