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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.