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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!