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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.