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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."