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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.