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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.