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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
All milk is breast milk.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]