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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!