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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.