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I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.