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Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.